The Tale of Sam and the Screaming Wizard Cow

Posted by Karl Bickerstaff on Thu, Sep 12, 2019
In Short Stories
Tags screaming wizard cow

Sam was a farm boy, as ordinary as they come. And by that, I mean that his employer’s daughter was only of average beauty, and she said more to him than “as you wish.” Also, he does not end up dressed all in black, chasing three men of varying ethnicities across diverse types of terrain, because that would be plagiarism.

So Sam was just ordinary. Like every other ordinary farm boy, he had chores. His chores were quite ordinary, too, at least for that area of the country. It was Sam’s job to feed the screaming wizard cows.

Yes, you heard me right. Screaming wizard cows.

Now, feeding the–what are Screaming Wizard Cows, you ask? Fine. I’ll explain. And don’t capitalize words that aren’t at the front of a sentence when you’re speaking. It isn’t polite.

Screaming wizard cows are a rather common animals on farms–at least, in that part of the country they were. They are about four feet tall, which makes them quadrupeds. If they were only three feet tall, they would not be able to stand. They have long beards, very sharp antlers, and strong Bovinian accents. Their preferred method of doing battle is by collision of the cranium. Now that that’s out of the way, we can get back to the story.

Sam’s job, as we have said, was to feed the screaming wizard cows. There were about forty of them, and feeding all of them took quite some time. First, Sam had to gather enough food for the screaming wizard cows. Fortunately for Sam, the screaming wizard cows, like all screaming wizard cows, were not very picky. They did, however, have enormous appetites, so he had to gather quite a bit of food.

One fine morning, when the weather was not sulking, which it generally was in that part of the country, Sam went out to feed the screaming wizard cows. It took him as long as usual to gather the food, but when he arrived at the screaming wizard cow pen, he stopped short in sudden shock. (That alliteration is beautiful, by the way)

For one of the screaming wizard cows was missing. And it just so happened to be Barney, Sam’s favorite screaming wizard cow. Yes, screaming wizard cows have personalities, just like all other animals except cats.

Sam quickly dumped the food into the food trough and set out in search of Barney. He look under the farmhouse. He looked over the farmhouse. He looked around the farmhouse. He looked through the farmhouse. He concluded that Barney was not near the farmhouse.

Sam was not to be deterred, however, by this mishap. He set off for the booplesnout pen (and I’m not explaining what those are), knowing full well how much Barney liked booplesnouts. He got along much better with booplesnouts than with thunder geese (don’t ask). This was probably due to the total cuddliness of the booplesnouts–the thunder geese were a little too big and fond of kicking to cuddle.

But when Sam reached the booplesnout pen, Barney the screaming wizard cow was not there. Sam was not sure where to look next. Where could Barney be?

Continued in Part Two

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